Mirrors

I went to a party, not really a party…like a gathering? There was 11 of us so? Whatever, that’s not important. I got drunk and high and ended up in bed with this guy. Once we were done we just gotdressed and carried on with the party thing. It’s not like we were going to cuddle or anything. I think the guys a twat really (everybody says he’s lovely but I’ve never met him when we haven’t been drunk so you know). Anyway, I went into the bathroom to sort my hair and face out and I actually felt sort of pleased. I looked thinner, I know I did. It was like those times in the morning when you wake up with your stomach caving in and your cheekbones and collarbones and hipbones popping out because you haven’t eaten in so long. And that is how I looked. For a little while, I saw who I would be if I were just skinnier. My eyes were huge and popping (because of my eye make-up, they were just…properly emphasized and just ‘popping’. Do you get what I mean?) And my hair was sort of fluffed up and I could just see this vision of me, thin. Obviously, I think about me being skinny a lot of the time but usually it’s picturing me as some Tumblr model, thin, grungey looking girl. Zero parts me. But this time, looking into that mirror, I could see me. And I’m so excited and motivated and literally bursting with that image. And everything seems so clear and easy right now. It won’t last, but I’m going to enjoy it and take advantage of it as much as possible.
I really hope you’re all making progress!! Whether it’s recovery, or maintaining, or losing weight, or doing whatever YOU want. So good luck with everything!!! You’ll get the absolute best in the end, because you all deserve to be happy! Being who you want, whether that’s skinny or not.

~~Property Of Ana

It Feels Good To Cry

It feels good to cry every now and them. I used to cry all the tjme but, as I’ve said before, I hurt too much to cry now. But, saying that, I still cry every now and then. When the sadness creeps up on me and I’m laid alone in bed, listening to music in the dark. When the empty but painful feeling in my heart rises in my throat and I choke on the silent tears that run down my face. I sort of enjoy it though, the times when I cry for hours. About nothing in particular but about everything in general. Because it’s as if I’m clearing it all out. So that it never happens when I’m around other people I guess. That’s my sad story for the night. Sleep well.

~~Property Of Ana

Falling Apart

Broke the sharpener lid from my lip liner to get the blade out. It’s sat on my leg and I’m in the library at college. I don’t want to do this, but I need to.
I’m staying in a hotel this weekend with some friends, there’s a hot tub and pool and I do not want to be in a bikini or costume in front of them – they’re all pretty and thin and beautiful and confident and funny and perfect. Plus, my scars will be on show, and I have no idea how to hide or make up an excuse for them.
My friend cuts too (the one I got drunk with and told everything to). We have a promise to tell each other when we do it, not to tell each other to stop or anything, but for someone to know I guess. She’s not the first to know about it, but she’s the only who knows that I carried on. There’s people before who think I’ve stopped and been clean for nearly 8 months but that’s a lie. Anyway, I don’t know whether to tell her this time or not, she’s finally begun to cheer up for the day and I can’t bring her down with me. So, yeah, today’s been shit. But it is only 10:48.

The Ache

I feel like I’m drowning again. It’s like everything is on top of me. Suffocating me. All I want to do is go away, but I can’t. I know if I go, there’s people it would hurt. And I couldn’t do that to anyone. I wish there was a way I could just fade away until there’s nothing left anymore.

And I feel sad. Just sad.
It’s the sadness that swallows you up and you holds close. So tight I can barely breathe. And there’s just this solid ache in my heart. And it spreads. I can feel it running through my veins. And it justs aches so much. I’m past the point of crying. I can’t anymore. It hurts too much to cry. I just sit and stare off into nothing.

I see love all around me now, I can see the people who seem to click, fit together, belong together. I get so irrationally jealous. Because I want that love and acceptance, not just from other people but from myself. I just want to love myself but I know I cam’t until I’m a better version of me now – skinnier, prettier, smarter, better.
But I just don’t feel like I have a place here, I feel sort of irrelevant to everything. I don’t feel like I fit in anywhere anymore.
Like I’m a puzzle piece in the wrong box?

~~Property Of Ana

Property Of Ana Introduction.

I don’t know really what to put or say

I need to lose weight. At the moment, nobody knows, except me, if I lose or gain a pound or if I have a bad day or any of that, but if I put it on here then it’s on here. There’s no taking it back or changing my mind about my daily goals and that’s that. I can’t lie. I want to do it properly this time. No messing around and putting weight on again. I also want to put advice and tips and stuff on here. It took me quite a while to work out what works for me for losing weight and different things work for different people. I feel like all my life people have been laughing behind my back about how fat and pudgy and ugly I really am, so this is me proving them and me wrong – because I still can’t really see myself as anything but what I am now, and that needs to change.

Guess it’s goal time now…and I’m going to be honest

My first weight goal is 110 pounds. I know it’s a lot but I need to be realistic for a first goal and then set my next goal after I’ve reached 110 pounds. I think my ultimate goal will be around 84 pounds (which is 6 stone) but I’ll have to see how I go. Just in case it mattered to anyone, I’m 5ft tall.

So till next time I guess! Comment and stuff and I’ll reply as quick as possible. It’d also be great if you left links for your blog, or blogs you really like (Pro-Ana generally) and I’ll have a look at them too.