Fucking Metaphors

I try to act as if I’m a tough cookie. As if what people say doesn’t bother me but truthfully I’m just a people pleaser. I like making people happy and proud. And lately I’m just letting people down all the time. I’m letting it all slip through my fingers and it’s worse than it has ever been before because for the real first time I’m watching everybody slowly slip away and there is actually nothing I can do. And it just hurts. Because I feel too. I hurt too. So why don’t I deserve to be happy? Why can’t I have the love that people around me do? Why don’t I even love myself? People around me are picking up their pieces and climbing their ladder and building their lives or whatever other fucking metaphor you can use. So why am I still sat here crying myself to sleep and hoping to not wake up in the morning. I just don’t know what to do. I’m just lost and confused and sad. That’s all there is really.
Also, I’m sorry. This was supposed to be a Pro Ana blog. But it’s not really. It’s just me whining. Um, I worked out tonight – just my normal 200 of pretty much everything. And I ate about a third of a lettuce and a red pepper. So yeah. How are you all doing?

~~Property Of Ana

Remembering

I’m laying here in bed like usual. My thighs hurt but that’s nothing new.
I’ve remembered something. I was 9, and in my bedroom at home. I remember crying and then trying to break the bones in my hand and arm. I remember feeling so hurt, and angry and sad. I remember my cheeks burning with my feelings. I can’t remember why I felt like it or why it happened. But it did. I don’t think any normal 9 year old tries to purposefully break their bones.
I guess I’ve been messed up for a whole lot longer than I thought really.

Sorry for not posting in a while. My phone broke and then things have just been getting more difficult. Explanations not excuses 🙂 Hope everything is going well with you.

~~Property Of Ana

It Feels Good To Cry

It feels good to cry every now and them. I used to cry all the tjme but, as I’ve said before, I hurt too much to cry now. But, saying that, I still cry every now and then. When the sadness creeps up on me and I’m laid alone in bed, listening to music in the dark. When the empty but painful feeling in my heart rises in my throat and I choke on the silent tears that run down my face. I sort of enjoy it though, the times when I cry for hours. About nothing in particular but about everything in general. Because it’s as if I’m clearing it all out. So that it never happens when I’m around other people I guess. That’s my sad story for the night. Sleep well.

~~Property Of Ana

A Smile On Her Lips and Cuts On Her Hips.

I dreamt about a boy last night. I know who he is, he’s beautiful and tall and has cheekbones that could cut glass. In my dream he didn’t care about all my fuck-ups. He just cared about me. And to him it didn’t matter if I didn’t eat for 3 days so that I’d look nice for a party, all that mattered was him and me. Together. And happy. But then I woke up, of course.
Today has been relatively shit. Actually that’s a lie. Today has been good but tonight has been shit. I went to my friend’s flat last weekend (to drink) because I couldn’t afford to go to a different friend’s birthday meal. I get multiple snapchats in the morning ranting to me about going to a party instead of the meal. There were 5 of us at the flat. That is not a fucking party. And now turns out that the friend group (who had the meal) are all pissed off with me and think all my life decisions are shit and that I’ve changed and don’t want to be around me. They want the old me back again. The old me was me pretending to be okay. The ‘new’ me is me being honest with people and look where it fucking got me. People telling me straight to my face that they don’t like me. Thanks a fucking bunch best friend. Comfort eating too. I’ve put on 2 pounds. I can’t stop myself anymore, I’ve lost the control. The cutting is getting bad too. I can’t help but push the limits. Cut in places people can see just to see them believe the lie. I don’t do it a lot because otherwise people would notice but it gives me a rush when people see them. Ask me if it hurt, ask me how it happened, touch it, feel it. I love the burn of fresh cuts. I took some tablets earlier so all I know is the dizzy buzz in my head, the rushing in my veins and the pain on my thighs. I really fucking love it. I really fucking live for it.

~~Property Of Ana