Fucking Metaphors

I try to act as if I’m a tough cookie. As if what people say doesn’t bother me but truthfully I’m just a people pleaser. I like making people happy and proud. And lately I’m just letting people down all the time. I’m letting it all slip through my fingers and it’s worse than it has ever been before because for the real first time I’m watching everybody slowly slip away and there is actually nothing I can do. And it just hurts. Because I feel too. I hurt too. So why don’t I deserve to be happy? Why can’t I have the love that people around me do? Why don’t I even love myself? People around me are picking up their pieces and climbing their ladder and building their lives or whatever other fucking metaphor you can use. So why am I still sat here crying myself to sleep and hoping to not wake up in the morning. I just don’t know what to do. I’m just lost and confused and sad. That’s all there is really.
Also, I’m sorry. This was supposed to be a Pro Ana blog. But it’s not really. It’s just me whining. Um, I worked out tonight – just my normal 200 of pretty much everything. And I ate about a third of a lettuce and a red pepper. So yeah. How are you all doing?

~~Property Of Ana

A Smile On Her Lips and Cuts On Her Hips.

I dreamt about a boy last night. I know who he is, he’s beautiful and tall and has cheekbones that could cut glass. In my dream he didn’t care about all my fuck-ups. He just cared about me. And to him it didn’t matter if I didn’t eat for 3 days so that I’d look nice for a party, all that mattered was him and me. Together. And happy. But then I woke up, of course.
Today has been relatively shit. Actually that’s a lie. Today has been good but tonight has been shit. I went to my friend’s flat last weekend (to drink) because I couldn’t afford to go to a different friend’s birthday meal. I get multiple snapchats in the morning ranting to me about going to a party instead of the meal. There were 5 of us at the flat. That is not a fucking party. And now turns out that the friend group (who had the meal) are all pissed off with me and think all my life decisions are shit and that I’ve changed and don’t want to be around me. They want the old me back again. The old me was me pretending to be okay. The ‘new’ me is me being honest with people and look where it fucking got me. People telling me straight to my face that they don’t like me. Thanks a fucking bunch best friend. Comfort eating too. I’ve put on 2 pounds. I can’t stop myself anymore, I’ve lost the control. The cutting is getting bad too. I can’t help but push the limits. Cut in places people can see just to see them believe the lie. I don’t do it a lot because otherwise people would notice but it gives me a rush when people see them. Ask me if it hurt, ask me how it happened, touch it, feel it. I love the burn of fresh cuts. I took some tablets earlier so all I know is the dizzy buzz in my head, the rushing in my veins and the pain on my thighs. I really fucking love it. I really fucking live for it.

~~Property Of Ana

The Ache

I feel like I’m drowning again. It’s like everything is on top of me. Suffocating me. All I want to do is go away, but I can’t. I know if I go, there’s people it would hurt. And I couldn’t do that to anyone. I wish there was a way I could just fade away until there’s nothing left anymore.

And I feel sad. Just sad.
It’s the sadness that swallows you up and you holds close. So tight I can barely breathe. And there’s just this solid ache in my heart. And it spreads. I can feel it running through my veins. And it justs aches so much. I’m past the point of crying. I can’t anymore. It hurts too much to cry. I just sit and stare off into nothing.

I see love all around me now, I can see the people who seem to click, fit together, belong together. I get so irrationally jealous. Because I want that love and acceptance, not just from other people but from myself. I just want to love myself but I know I cam’t until I’m a better version of me now – skinnier, prettier, smarter, better.
But I just don’t feel like I have a place here, I feel sort of irrelevant to everything. I don’t feel like I fit in anywhere anymore.
Like I’m a puzzle piece in the wrong box?

~~Property Of Ana