Falling Apart

Broke the sharpener lid from my lip liner to get the blade out. It’s sat on my leg and I’m in the library at college. I don’t want to do this, but I need to.
I’m staying in a hotel this weekend with some friends, there’s a hot tub and pool and I do not want to be in a bikini or costume in front of them – they’re all pretty and thin and beautiful and confident and funny and perfect. Plus, my scars will be on show, and I have no idea how to hide or make up an excuse for them.
My friend cuts too (the one I got drunk with and told everything to). We have a promise to tell each other when we do it, not to tell each other to stop or anything, but for someone to know I guess. She’s not the first to know about it, but she’s the only who knows that I carried on. There’s people before who think I’ve stopped and been clean for nearly 8 months but that’s a lie. Anyway, I don’t know whether to tell her this time or not, she’s finally begun to cheer up for the day and I can’t bring her down with me. So, yeah, today’s been shit. But it is only 10:48.

Disappointed.

Disappointed. That is what I am. In basically everything, I’ll do a list.
Number 1. Lost another 3 pounds. Which was okay? I think? But the I fucking binged tonight and my belly is so full and I was just so overwhelmed by feeling so full that I just didn’t purge and I fucking regret that now. My stomach is actually so painful and maybe the good thing to come out of this binge is that it’s put me off eating…again?

Number 2. (Not at all related to food or Ana or amything but I’m going to whine about it anyway) I have completely fucked up college and I’m fairly certain that I’ll fail this year and then won’t make it onto Year 2 of my course. Which makes me angry and sad and disappointed and just pissed off in general.

Number 3. I have a headache. Which is not a normal headache. I can handle normal headaches, usually don’t even take Paracetamol for them. But this is not a normal fucking headache. I have had this headache for nearly 8 days (it’s Monday night and I woke up with it a week ago on Monday morning). No amount of paracetamol or other (fucking strong) painkillers are getting rid of it and it makes me worry and panic and angry and I feel just generally exhausted. And I can’t go to the doctors because A. I don’t actually have time and B. They do the whole ‘do you have a healthy diet blah blah blah’ and we all know that isn’t true in any sense.

Number 4. Today has just been a generally crap day.

Number 5. Also completely off topic, but my skin is awful at the minute. Because I forgot to take my make up off the other night before I went to sleep and now my face is terrible.

Sorry for the massive rant…but I feel like I got a few bits off my chest so oh well!! Hope your day/week/life hasn’t been as crap as mine (although when you look, it actually isn’t that bad – I’m just in a bitchy and whiney mood). Happy Monday!!

~~Property Of Ana

The Ache

I feel like I’m drowning again. It’s like everything is on top of me. Suffocating me. All I want to do is go away, but I can’t. I know if I go, there’s people it would hurt. And I couldn’t do that to anyone. I wish there was a way I could just fade away until there’s nothing left anymore.

And I feel sad. Just sad.
It’s the sadness that swallows you up and you holds close. So tight I can barely breathe. And there’s just this solid ache in my heart. And it spreads. I can feel it running through my veins. And it justs aches so much. I’m past the point of crying. I can’t anymore. It hurts too much to cry. I just sit and stare off into nothing.

I see love all around me now, I can see the people who seem to click, fit together, belong together. I get so irrationally jealous. Because I want that love and acceptance, not just from other people but from myself. I just want to love myself but I know I cam’t until I’m a better version of me now – skinnier, prettier, smarter, better.
But I just don’t feel like I have a place here, I feel sort of irrelevant to everything. I don’t feel like I fit in anywhere anymore.
Like I’m a puzzle piece in the wrong box?

~~Property Of Ana

This Weekend

The weekend was okay!! I meant to do a thinspiration post but I’ve been drinking all weekend and I just didn’t do it in the end. I don’t think my friends remember much about me telling them everything. But that’s okay, because it means I can carry on. But even if they do, it should still be fine because they told me some pretty heavy stuff anyway.
Haven’t really eaten that much either. I had a weak moment Saturday morning and ate a hamburger (in McDonalds), the only defence I have is that I was still drunk and merry. Today has been depressingly boring and I just want something in my life to change. I want it to be exciting and active and crazily spontaeneous. But it probably won’t happen. Hope everyone’s weekend was good!!!

~~Property Of Ana