Mirrors

I went to a party, not really a party…like a gathering? There was 11 of us so? Whatever, that’s not important. I got drunk and high and ended up in bed with this guy. Once we were done we just gotdressed and carried on with the party thing. It’s not like we were going to cuddle or anything. I think the guys a twat really (everybody says he’s lovely but I’ve never met him when we haven’t been drunk so you know). Anyway, I went into the bathroom to sort my hair and face out and I actually felt sort of pleased. I looked thinner, I know I did. It was like those times in the morning when you wake up with your stomach caving in and your cheekbones and collarbones and hipbones popping out because you haven’t eaten in so long. And that is how I looked. For a little while, I saw who I would be if I were just skinnier. My eyes were huge and popping (because of my eye make-up, they were just…properly emphasized and just ‘popping’. Do you get what I mean?) And my hair was sort of fluffed up and I could just see this vision of me, thin. Obviously, I think about me being skinny a lot of the time but usually it’s picturing me as some Tumblr model, thin, grungey looking girl. Zero parts me. But this time, looking into that mirror, I could see me. And I’m so excited and motivated and literally bursting with that image. And everything seems so clear and easy right now. It won’t last, but I’m going to enjoy it and take advantage of it as much as possible.
I really hope you’re all making progress!! Whether it’s recovery, or maintaining, or losing weight, or doing whatever YOU want. So good luck with everything!!! You’ll get the absolute best in the end, because you all deserve to be happy! Being who you want, whether that’s skinny or not.

~~Property Of Ana

Remembering

I’m laying here in bed like usual. My thighs hurt but that’s nothing new.
I’ve remembered something. I was 9, and in my bedroom at home. I remember crying and then trying to break the bones in my hand and arm. I remember feeling so hurt, and angry and sad. I remember my cheeks burning with my feelings. I can’t remember why I felt like it or why it happened. But it did. I don’t think any normal 9 year old tries to purposefully break their bones.
I guess I’ve been messed up for a whole lot longer than I thought really.

Sorry for not posting in a while. My phone broke and then things have just been getting more difficult. Explanations not excuses 🙂 Hope everything is going well with you.

~~Property Of Ana

A Smile On Her Lips and Cuts On Her Hips.

I dreamt about a boy last night. I know who he is, he’s beautiful and tall and has cheekbones that could cut glass. In my dream he didn’t care about all my fuck-ups. He just cared about me. And to him it didn’t matter if I didn’t eat for 3 days so that I’d look nice for a party, all that mattered was him and me. Together. And happy. But then I woke up, of course.
Today has been relatively shit. Actually that’s a lie. Today has been good but tonight has been shit. I went to my friend’s flat last weekend (to drink) because I couldn’t afford to go to a different friend’s birthday meal. I get multiple snapchats in the morning ranting to me about going to a party instead of the meal. There were 5 of us at the flat. That is not a fucking party. And now turns out that the friend group (who had the meal) are all pissed off with me and think all my life decisions are shit and that I’ve changed and don’t want to be around me. They want the old me back again. The old me was me pretending to be okay. The ‘new’ me is me being honest with people and look where it fucking got me. People telling me straight to my face that they don’t like me. Thanks a fucking bunch best friend. Comfort eating too. I’ve put on 2 pounds. I can’t stop myself anymore, I’ve lost the control. The cutting is getting bad too. I can’t help but push the limits. Cut in places people can see just to see them believe the lie. I don’t do it a lot because otherwise people would notice but it gives me a rush when people see them. Ask me if it hurt, ask me how it happened, touch it, feel it. I love the burn of fresh cuts. I took some tablets earlier so all I know is the dizzy buzz in my head, the rushing in my veins and the pain on my thighs. I really fucking love it. I really fucking live for it.

~~Property Of Ana

Disappointed.

Disappointed. That is what I am. In basically everything, I’ll do a list.
Number 1. Lost another 3 pounds. Which was okay? I think? But the I fucking binged tonight and my belly is so full and I was just so overwhelmed by feeling so full that I just didn’t purge and I fucking regret that now. My stomach is actually so painful and maybe the good thing to come out of this binge is that it’s put me off eating…again?

Number 2. (Not at all related to food or Ana or amything but I’m going to whine about it anyway) I have completely fucked up college and I’m fairly certain that I’ll fail this year and then won’t make it onto Year 2 of my course. Which makes me angry and sad and disappointed and just pissed off in general.

Number 3. I have a headache. Which is not a normal headache. I can handle normal headaches, usually don’t even take Paracetamol for them. But this is not a normal fucking headache. I have had this headache for nearly 8 days (it’s Monday night and I woke up with it a week ago on Monday morning). No amount of paracetamol or other (fucking strong) painkillers are getting rid of it and it makes me worry and panic and angry and I feel just generally exhausted. And I can’t go to the doctors because A. I don’t actually have time and B. They do the whole ‘do you have a healthy diet blah blah blah’ and we all know that isn’t true in any sense.

Number 4. Today has just been a generally crap day.

Number 5. Also completely off topic, but my skin is awful at the minute. Because I forgot to take my make up off the other night before I went to sleep and now my face is terrible.

Sorry for the massive rant…but I feel like I got a few bits off my chest so oh well!! Hope your day/week/life hasn’t been as crap as mine (although when you look, it actually isn’t that bad – I’m just in a bitchy and whiney mood). Happy Monday!!

~~Property Of Ana

The Ache

I feel like I’m drowning again. It’s like everything is on top of me. Suffocating me. All I want to do is go away, but I can’t. I know if I go, there’s people it would hurt. And I couldn’t do that to anyone. I wish there was a way I could just fade away until there’s nothing left anymore.

And I feel sad. Just sad.
It’s the sadness that swallows you up and you holds close. So tight I can barely breathe. And there’s just this solid ache in my heart. And it spreads. I can feel it running through my veins. And it justs aches so much. I’m past the point of crying. I can’t anymore. It hurts too much to cry. I just sit and stare off into nothing.

I see love all around me now, I can see the people who seem to click, fit together, belong together. I get so irrationally jealous. Because I want that love and acceptance, not just from other people but from myself. I just want to love myself but I know I cam’t until I’m a better version of me now – skinnier, prettier, smarter, better.
But I just don’t feel like I have a place here, I feel sort of irrelevant to everything. I don’t feel like I fit in anywhere anymore.
Like I’m a puzzle piece in the wrong box?

~~Property Of Ana

Trying To Get Back On Track

Today was okay, not so good really, but sort of okay. I lost a pound, which is…okay? I started out good this morning and didn’t eat anything, but then at 3 I had toast, tea (as in the drink) and then chocolate digestives. I think it’s because I stopped drinking (just water). I had 7 bottles of water from 8am until 2pm but then when I got home I drank barely anything. And also once I start to eat, even if it’s just a tiny bit, I don’t stop. I find that water is actually one of the best methods I’ve ever used. It fills you up so much and keeps you hydrated and also seems to just clear my body out. But then if I down a glass or two of lukewarm-ish water before I purge, it’s so much smoother. So yeah, I’d say that water is my number 1 thing. I hope tomorrow goes better than today, I think it will because I’ll be back to my normal day. But anyway, I’m going to sleep now. I’ve had my usual mix of pills now so hopefully I wake up lighter.

~~Property Of Ana