I dreamt about a boy last night. I know who he is, he’s beautiful and tall and has cheekbones that could cut glass. In my dream he didn’t care about all my fuck-ups. He just cared about me. And to him it didn’t matter if I didn’t eat for 3 days so that I’d look nice for a party, all that mattered was him and me. Together. And happy. But then I woke up, of course.
Today has been relatively shit. Actually that’s a lie. Today has been good but tonight has been shit. I went to my friend’s flat last weekend (to drink) because I couldn’t afford to go to a different friend’s birthday meal. I get multiple snapchats in the morning ranting to me about going to a party instead of the meal. There were 5 of us at the flat. That is not a fucking party. And now turns out that the friend group (who had the meal) are all pissed off with me and think all my life decisions are shit and that I’ve changed and don’t want to be around me. They want the old me back again. The old me was me pretending to be okay. The ‘new’ me is me being honest with people and look where it fucking got me. People telling me straight to my face that they don’t like me. Thanks a fucking bunch best friend. Comfort eating too. I’ve put on 2 pounds. I can’t stop myself anymore, I’ve lost the control. The cutting is getting bad too. I can’t help but push the limits. Cut in places people can see just to see them believe the lie. I don’t do it a lot because otherwise people would notice but it gives me a rush when people see them. Ask me if it hurt, ask me how it happened, touch it, feel it. I love the burn of fresh cuts. I took some tablets earlier so all I know is the dizzy buzz in my head, the rushing in my veins and the pain on my thighs. I really fucking love it. I really fucking live for it.
~~Property Of Ana
Property Of Ana 