Fucking Metaphors

I try to act as if I’m a tough cookie. As if what people say doesn’t bother me but truthfully I’m just a people pleaser. I like making people happy and proud. And lately I’m just letting people down all the time. I’m letting it all slip through my fingers and it’s worse than it has ever been before because for the real first time I’m watching everybody slowly slip away and there is actually nothing I can do. And it just hurts. Because I feel too. I hurt too. So why don’t I deserve to be happy? Why can’t I have the love that people around me do? Why don’t I even love myself? People around me are picking up their pieces and climbing their ladder and building their lives or whatever other fucking metaphor you can use. So why am I still sat here crying myself to sleep and hoping to not wake up in the morning. I just don’t know what to do. I’m just lost and confused and sad. That’s all there is really.
Also, I’m sorry. This was supposed to be a Pro Ana blog. But it’s not really. It’s just me whining. Um, I worked out tonight – just my normal 200 of pretty much everything. And I ate about a third of a lettuce and a red pepper. So yeah. How are you all doing?

~~Property Of Ana

It Feels Good To Cry

It feels good to cry every now and them. I used to cry all the tjme but, as I’ve said before, I hurt too much to cry now. But, saying that, I still cry every now and then. When the sadness creeps up on me and I’m laid alone in bed, listening to music in the dark. When the empty but painful feeling in my heart rises in my throat and I choke on the silent tears that run down my face. I sort of enjoy it though, the times when I cry for hours. About nothing in particular but about everything in general. Because it’s as if I’m clearing it all out. So that it never happens when I’m around other people I guess. That’s my sad story for the night. Sleep well.

~~Property Of Ana