So, as is probably obvious from the title of this post, I’m fasting again. Started at 7:30(am) so I’ve managed 24 minutes….amazing! I just really hope I stick to it this time, but I have no idea what I’ll do when I get home? I’ll figure something out! Is anyone else fasting at the minute? What has your longest fast been?
~~Property Of Ana
Tears won’t stop falling.
It’s been a long time since I’ve cried like this.
The Great Improvement
10 days since my last post..I think I’ve done worse?
This week has been amazing! I had food poisoning over the weekend and Monday and Tuesday so I literally threw up anything that I ate, and I good excuse to just not eat all! I’m still playing on the bad belly thing so all of my meals that I’ve had to eat with my family have all been super small, and low in calories because they’re simple tastes which will ‘help my stomach’. So far today I’ve had a lemon yoghurt, which I forced myself to throw up anyway, and some sugar free jelly. So I think I’m doing good! I’ve been off my usual Tea (like Breakfast Tea) and I’m on Blackberry Tea. I’m not really sure if it’s any better for me, or lower in calories or anything but it seems to fill me up a bit more and stop me feeling hungry. I think that’s because it’s just got more flavour than normal tea, and a bit sweeter. I’m too scared to weigh myself just yet but I know I’ve lost something – I can feel it on my body, my stomach is definitely smaller now. I’m also chugging down water, but I tend to go for iced water as it burns more calories – because you’re body has to use energy to get it to a higher temperature so it will digest. I’m home alone all weekend so I’ll be able to do whatever I want when it comes to meals, or lack of them. College is hectic at the minute so I don’t have time to get food, even when I get really bad cravings. Which brings me onto my next thing: does anyone have any suggestions for low cal foods that’ll stop my cravings for things chocolate or sweet food? And I’ve also been chugging down cigarettes which also reduce your appetite! I hope you’ve all had a good week!! How’s it gone?
~~Property Of Ana
Mirrors
I went to a party, not really a party…like a gathering? There was 11 of us so? Whatever, that’s not important. I got drunk and high and ended up in bed with this guy. Once we were done we just gotdressed and carried on with the party thing. It’s not like we were going to cuddle or anything. I think the guys a twat really (everybody says he’s lovely but I’ve never met him when we haven’t been drunk so you know). Anyway, I went into the bathroom to sort my hair and face out and I actually felt sort of pleased. I looked thinner, I know I did. It was like those times in the morning when you wake up with your stomach caving in and your cheekbones and collarbones and hipbones popping out because you haven’t eaten in so long. And that is how I looked. For a little while, I saw who I would be if I were just skinnier. My eyes were huge and popping (because of my eye make-up, they were just…properly emphasized and just ‘popping’. Do you get what I mean?) And my hair was sort of fluffed up and I could just see this vision of me, thin. Obviously, I think about me being skinny a lot of the time but usually it’s picturing me as some Tumblr model, thin, grungey looking girl. Zero parts me. But this time, looking into that mirror, I could see me. And I’m so excited and motivated and literally bursting with that image. And everything seems so clear and easy right now. It won’t last, but I’m going to enjoy it and take advantage of it as much as possible.
I really hope you’re all making progress!! Whether it’s recovery, or maintaining, or losing weight, or doing whatever YOU want. So good luck with everything!!! You’ll get the absolute best in the end, because you all deserve to be happy! Being who you want, whether that’s skinny or not.
~~Property Of Ana
Fucking Metaphors
I try to act as if I’m a tough cookie. As if what people say doesn’t bother me but truthfully I’m just a people pleaser. I like making people happy and proud. And lately I’m just letting people down all the time. I’m letting it all slip through my fingers and it’s worse than it has ever been before because for the real first time I’m watching everybody slowly slip away and there is actually nothing I can do. And it just hurts. Because I feel too. I hurt too. So why don’t I deserve to be happy? Why can’t I have the love that people around me do? Why don’t I even love myself? People around me are picking up their pieces and climbing their ladder and building their lives or whatever other fucking metaphor you can use. So why am I still sat here crying myself to sleep and hoping to not wake up in the morning. I just don’t know what to do. I’m just lost and confused and sad. That’s all there is really.
Also, I’m sorry. This was supposed to be a Pro Ana blog. But it’s not really. It’s just me whining. Um, I worked out tonight – just my normal 200 of pretty much everything. And I ate about a third of a lettuce and a red pepper. So yeah. How are you all doing?
~~Property Of Ana
Remembering
I’m laying here in bed like usual. My thighs hurt but that’s nothing new.
I’ve remembered something. I was 9, and in my bedroom at home. I remember crying and then trying to break the bones in my hand and arm. I remember feeling so hurt, and angry and sad. I remember my cheeks burning with my feelings. I can’t remember why I felt like it or why it happened. But it did. I don’t think any normal 9 year old tries to purposefully break their bones.
I guess I’ve been messed up for a whole lot longer than I thought really.
Sorry for not posting in a while. My phone broke and then things have just been getting more difficult. Explanations not excuses 🙂 Hope everything is going well with you.
~~Property Of Ana
It Feels Good To Cry
It feels good to cry every now and them. I used to cry all the tjme but, as I’ve said before, I hurt too much to cry now. But, saying that, I still cry every now and then. When the sadness creeps up on me and I’m laid alone in bed, listening to music in the dark. When the empty but painful feeling in my heart rises in my throat and I choke on the silent tears that run down my face. I sort of enjoy it though, the times when I cry for hours. About nothing in particular but about everything in general. Because it’s as if I’m clearing it all out. So that it never happens when I’m around other people I guess. That’s my sad story for the night. Sleep well.
~~Property Of Ana
A Smile On Her Lips and Cuts On Her Hips.
I dreamt about a boy last night. I know who he is, he’s beautiful and tall and has cheekbones that could cut glass. In my dream he didn’t care about all my fuck-ups. He just cared about me. And to him it didn’t matter if I didn’t eat for 3 days so that I’d look nice for a party, all that mattered was him and me. Together. And happy. But then I woke up, of course.
Today has been relatively shit. Actually that’s a lie. Today has been good but tonight has been shit. I went to my friend’s flat last weekend (to drink) because I couldn’t afford to go to a different friend’s birthday meal. I get multiple snapchats in the morning ranting to me about going to a party instead of the meal. There were 5 of us at the flat. That is not a fucking party. And now turns out that the friend group (who had the meal) are all pissed off with me and think all my life decisions are shit and that I’ve changed and don’t want to be around me. They want the old me back again. The old me was me pretending to be okay. The ‘new’ me is me being honest with people and look where it fucking got me. People telling me straight to my face that they don’t like me. Thanks a fucking bunch best friend. Comfort eating too. I’ve put on 2 pounds. I can’t stop myself anymore, I’ve lost the control. The cutting is getting bad too. I can’t help but push the limits. Cut in places people can see just to see them believe the lie. I don’t do it a lot because otherwise people would notice but it gives me a rush when people see them. Ask me if it hurt, ask me how it happened, touch it, feel it. I love the burn of fresh cuts. I took some tablets earlier so all I know is the dizzy buzz in my head, the rushing in my veins and the pain on my thighs. I really fucking love it. I really fucking live for it.
~~Property Of Ana
Falling Apart
Broke the sharpener lid from my lip liner to get the blade out. It’s sat on my leg and I’m in the library at college. I don’t want to do this, but I need to.
I’m staying in a hotel this weekend with some friends, there’s a hot tub and pool and I do not want to be in a bikini or costume in front of them – they’re all pretty and thin and beautiful and confident and funny and perfect. Plus, my scars will be on show, and I have no idea how to hide or make up an excuse for them.
My friend cuts too (the one I got drunk with and told everything to). We have a promise to tell each other when we do it, not to tell each other to stop or anything, but for someone to know I guess. She’s not the first to know about it, but she’s the only who knows that I carried on. There’s people before who think I’ve stopped and been clean for nearly 8 months but that’s a lie. Anyway, I don’t know whether to tell her this time or not, she’s finally begun to cheer up for the day and I can’t bring her down with me. So, yeah, today’s been shit. But it is only 10:48.
Disappointed.
Disappointed. That is what I am. In basically everything, I’ll do a list.
Number 1. Lost another 3 pounds. Which was okay? I think? But the I fucking binged tonight and my belly is so full and I was just so overwhelmed by feeling so full that I just didn’t purge and I fucking regret that now. My stomach is actually so painful and maybe the good thing to come out of this binge is that it’s put me off eating…again?
Number 2. (Not at all related to food or Ana or amything but I’m going to whine about it anyway) I have completely fucked up college and I’m fairly certain that I’ll fail this year and then won’t make it onto Year 2 of my course. Which makes me angry and sad and disappointed and just pissed off in general.
Number 3. I have a headache. Which is not a normal headache. I can handle normal headaches, usually don’t even take Paracetamol for them. But this is not a normal fucking headache. I have had this headache for nearly 8 days (it’s Monday night and I woke up with it a week ago on Monday morning). No amount of paracetamol or other (fucking strong) painkillers are getting rid of it and it makes me worry and panic and angry and I feel just generally exhausted. And I can’t go to the doctors because A. I don’t actually have time and B. They do the whole ‘do you have a healthy diet blah blah blah’ and we all know that isn’t true in any sense.
Number 4. Today has just been a generally crap day.
Number 5. Also completely off topic, but my skin is awful at the minute. Because I forgot to take my make up off the other night before I went to sleep and now my face is terrible.
Sorry for the massive rant…but I feel like I got a few bits off my chest so oh well!! Hope your day/week/life hasn’t been as crap as mine (although when you look, it actually isn’t that bad – I’m just in a bitchy and whiney mood). Happy Monday!!
~~Property Of Ana
Property Of Ana 